Jeff and Martha has been married for over thirty-five years. Their love has endured the tragic loss of a son to cancer at age seven, a devastating car crash that left Martha with a broken arm and two broken legs, and five years of unemployment due to company restructuring and Covid19. They had fought through these things as a team, working together to deal with each problem as it came along.

But there was always something else lurking in their relationship. They would fight when Jeff couldn’t remember something that Martha had just said. They would fight over and over because Jeff was never on time for an appointment or a social engagement. When driving, they would often fight when Martha, as navigator, asked Jeff to turn right and he would turn left instead. And they would have harsh words when Jeff avoided reading something that Martha had given him. The arguments, though often heated, were brief and soon forgotten – until the next time.

One day, Martha was venting her frustrations about these arguments to her friend, Alice. As Alice patiently listened to Martha, she recognized a familiar pattern. She asked Martha if Jeff had ever been tested for dyslexia. Martha was puzzled “What has some problem with reading got to do with all of this stuff that Jeff does over and over?”

Alice replied that dyslexia is something that yes involves reading but also a whole lot more. She told Martha that one in five people have dyslexia. That’s everyone, children, and adults. Some kids are lucky enough to be tested for dyslexia at the start of school but very few adults have ever been checked for it. There are literally millions of adult men and women who either consciously or unconsciously know they are somehow “different” than others but don’t know what is causing that difference.

When these adults were children, they saw that they could not read like their friends, but they skillfully hid their reading issue by faking understanding or having friends read for them. When reading difficulties made them easy pray for bullies, they often pulled within themselves or became the kid who was always giving others presents so that others would like them. They felt stupid because they could not do what others could.

And, it wasn’t just reading. They would often mix up left and right and other kids would laugh. They nodded when someone mentioned they had had to be somewhere at a particular time or that there were so many minutes left to finish a test. But time didn’t really mean anything to them.

For many of these dyslexics, there were other conditions. Many had problems with simple math, called dyscalculia. Many could not concentrate and flitted from one thing to another. These had ADHD or ADD. Some even had significant problems with handwriting called dysgraphia.

Over the years, one way or the other, these dyslexic kids compensated for these things without much help from older people. When they became adults, their experiences had several effects on their relationships. First, it took them a long time to trust someone. The bullying and knowing they were different led to dep scars. They found it difficult to open up about these things. They also were very touchy about certain topics that might lead others to discover they were different or even “defective.”

Alice looked Martha in the eye and said: “Some of your fights with Jeff are probably the stuff that normally happens in any long relationship. But a lot of it seems to match the patterns of dyslexia. You should talk with Jeff and see if he is willing to get tested for dyslexia and the other conditions that often accompany it.” Alice continued: “if Jeff is dyslexic, there are ways to overcome the issues it causes but both of you will need to make some adjustments. After all you would be dealing with a lifetime of hidden pain and unnecessary guilt.”

Martha thanked Alice and told Jeff that night what she had learned from Alice. At first Jeff, sensing danger, blew her off. But after a while, he agreed to do some more research on dyslexia and maybe even get tested.

Jeff and Martha’s story is a common one that doesn’t get much attention. Think of it. One in five people have a condition that deeply impacts their emotions, their jobs, and their relationships and few people think about it. Think of the number of arguments that have occurred over the years that were caused by dyslexia without knowing it. What a waste!

Dan Kaluzny is author of Loving Your Dyslexic, A Heart-to-Heart Discussion of How to Help Children and Adults with Dyslexia

Note: Jeff, Martha and Alice are not their real names to protect their privacy.